Pessimism

I feel homesick
I feel restless
I feel ungrateful
I feel moody
I feel wistful
I feel unsettled
I feel bored
I feel tired
I feel unfulfilled
I feel ungrateful
I feel sad
I feel reserved
I feel trapped
I feel regretful
I feel resentful
I feel like a horrible person
I feel whiny
I feel depressed (is this what it feels like?)
I feel alone
I feel lonely
I feel fake
I feel empty
I feel unmotivated
I feel lazy
I feel hazy
I feel not like myself

Screaming underwater

CAN ANYONE HEAR ME??? I'm screaming internally and don't know who to turn to for help. Why can't I figure out what I want to do already??

I don't think I've ever had a strong handle on what I wanted to do on life. Of course there were phases where I thought that I definitely wanted to be this, that or the other but slowly my inner doubts and outside limitations chipped away at my resolve to do it. So let me list, once and for all my doubts and my limitations.

First my limitations:

1. Geography: I feel like I've always been limited by my geographic position. Most of my life, I lived on the west coast in a suburb outside of LA. But that was ok because once I moved out for college, I moved to the city - my dream come true. Then I realized most of the job listings for fashion and or journalism were based out of New York. Hit a wall. But that was ok because as I started to look for opportunities I found the world of PR. And I thought I was set! Nestled in the heart of the entertainment world, LA was full of opportunities for me to satiate my appetite for the glitzy-glam. Then I graduated college and moved to Illinois, to a city outside of Chicago. A non-commuteable distance away from the city, mind you. Hit a wall. And now as I look for opportunities here, I wistfully click on links for positions in LA. It almost seems like now that I'm not looking for jobs there, there seems to be an abundance of LA openings. good for you, LA! bad for me.
   
2. Family: This may put me on your list of Most Horrible People in the Universe, but I've always felt tied down by my family. Tied down to a certain place, certain responsibilities, certain restrictions that I have no option but to accept. This doesn't come without any benefits, my family has been my anchor, my support, my everything and I am thankful that I have such a close relationship with them. I've never been able to move to a place by myself (except for college). Even here, though I am not with my family, I have the same tied-down feeling with my spouse. I know, I know - this sounds horrible. And it could be my own cowardice that leads me to say this, but I feel like I've always been held back by myself as well as my loved ones. I feel like I've never had control over my own life. I feel like I've been relegated to achieve whatever I can within the confines of my life set by my family/spouse.
   
3. NO CAR: This probably sounds like the most petty of them all but having no car is a serious limitation. Yes I am willing to work for free! Yes I am willing to work long hours! Yes I am willing to do the most boring of tasks! Yes I am willing to go as far as I need to go outside of my city! My only problem: I have no way to get there! I have always had to share a car or be limited by bus routes. And don't get me started on public transportation in LA. That's a whole other rant on its own.

Now my doubts:

1. Self-Doubt: I've never felt like I'm that good at any one thing. I think the phrase, "Jack of all trades, Master of none" accurately describes me. I'm not an expert on any one thing and so even though I may be interested in something, I don't know too much in-depth information about it that I could be an expert in that field.
   
2. Passion-less? This goes with what I wrote above, I have a smattering of interests: painting, fashion/style, etc. but I'm not die-hard passionately in love with any one of them that I could do that one thing for the rest of my life.
3. No Drive: I'm an opportunity chameleon. Whatever opportunity that comes my way and that I think I can do, I take it. It doesn't matter that it's not exaaactly what I wanted to do, I do it because I can. This probably explains why I'm working in education right now, a field completely different than what I set out to do. Some people may think this is a smart thing to do but it's not. I wish I was stubborn and driven enough to tell myself, "NO, this is not what you want to do. Stick to your guns, woman!" Instead I tell myself, "Do it! You might like it then you can figure out whatever the heck it is you want to do in life." Then I get all emo/jealous about old classmates who are working at phenomenal places because they were persistent, didn't take the easy way out and got somewhere that they actually WANTED to be.

Ok, that felt good to get off my chest. Thank you to the cyberworld and readers like you that makes these extended rants/whinefests possible. I'm off to (wo)man-up, ask the Wizard for some courage, grow a pair, stop crying, etc.

Dusting out the cobwebs

Helllo?? Anyone out there?

I know I know. I just up and left without any explanation. I did you guys wrong (I love how I'm writing this as if I have some eager audience awaiting my updates). It's so funny to look at where I was 2 years ago. And now, on the verge of finishing my undergraduate degree, my life, goals, aspirations and experiences are so different. For example, I'm in a totally different industry than I thought I would be. I took sort of a circuitous route to get there and now I am back to the "Sea of Indecisiveness" that I wrote about in my first entry. And as comes with age, I'm a little bit more jaded and cynical than I was two years ago. I feel like I was but a wee wide-eyed youngin' that thought ANYTHING was possible if I just tried enough. And while that still holds true (if you try hard enough, you can achieve anything) there are certain parameters to life, called reality, schedules and the economy that sort of dampen that notion. I probably sound like a horrible dream-killer right now - sorry!

But on the bright side (everyone's probably taking a deep sigh of relief now) looking over the entries , I realized one thing: I still really love writing. And I still could enjoy this blog. So maybe I will be back in the not-too-distant future to update you all on what has happened on the last 2 years!

Going to class is getting in the way of my college experience

Lots and lots of things to share. But due to that pesky little detail of undergraduate education known as midterm week, I will have to tell you about them later. So just in case I forget, here are some things I'm going to mull over in my next post(s):

1. everybody remembers my entry about my first impression of Communications, my major. now that i'm halfway into my classes, I'm going to tell you what its really like.
2. mean people. or rather people who guilt and blame you for problems, but do it in the most unassuming of ways.
3. the stress of being involved in a student publication - some of you may know what i'm talking about.

I know this is really an unsatisfactory post. But I'll leave you with a picture of Salvador Dali. One my most favorite artists.

"I do not take drugs. I am drugs." - Salvador Dali

He actually looks quite fetching in this picture, I think. People always ask me why I like him. It's because he's insane. Insane but brilliant at the same time. He alway has so much going on in his paintings in terms of different visual perspectives I feel like my brain is going to explode from trying to comprehend it all. I kind of like that feeling. Is that how it feels like to be on drugs?



Anyway, now that I have sufficiently scared you off with my post-mortem crush and possible insanity - I will bid you good day. And I promise I shall return with a wealth of new, hopefully interesting but probably useless musings.

Cheers!

So I Kick, Push, Kick, Push, Coast...

I feel like I haven't updated in awhile. I'm going to try to update once a week. I hate when you click on blogs you love only to find that you have to wait patiently for a beloved update. I loathe waiting for updates just as much as I loathe waiting for packages. Speaking of, my package came today! Delia*s was having their end of season clearance sale and they had a bunch of stuff on clearance for 50% off! My sister and I went crazy with it:

Sister bought this shirt for $10. It kind of reminds me of this DIY graphic t-shirt she made with an iron-on transfer design of a cat riding a skateboard. Don't ask me why.

I think she got these for $20. I have to say, when i saw these online, I was thinking, "boring white wedge-type shoe." *yawn* BUT now that I have seen them in person, I am so jealous! They're made with two different textures. Plain white leather and an embossed sort of leather. The embossing on the leather makes it look sort of like the feathers of a bird. And we all know plumage is hot this year. I hate when the sister's good eye for style leaves me with nothing but green eyes.

My sister bought this as a present for a friend for $15. This is an example of the the reverse of what happened with the shoes. This looked cute online, but in real life it didn't live up to our expectations. The striped part is cute, but the yellow part is a printed knit. And theres something about the print that makes it look like it was a leftover piece of fabric, originally used to sew a onesie.

I bought these. The RVCA shirt was $10. And I think the tank was $7.99. I know they're pretty boring purchases. But this summer I had an epiphany that I have absolutely no graphic tees. I remember in 8th grade (the fashion Dark Ages for my sister and I), I had to have the skate brand t-shirts that everyone else was wearing. It didn't matter that a red shirt with a hawaiian flower graphic on it costed $25. As long as I had the word Roxy, Billabong or Hurley scrawled across my pancake-flat chest, thats all that mattered to me.

But when I reached high school, I realized how utterly ridiculous it is to pay that much for what is essentially a plain t-shirt with some fabric paint. So I excommunicated graphic tees from my closet and went through a period where I wore plain t-shirts in different colors. This was about the time when layering came in and Old Navy became my best friend because they always had 2-for deals on basic tees.

Only recently did I discover that sometimes, a graphic tee can give an outfit a certain edge that can't be attained by accessorizing a plain colored tee. So I flipped when I saw the sale at Delias. That RVCA shirt is usually $25.

I know some people might argue that wearing skate brands is so junior high. But I've realized the key to them look less juvenile is the intention behind it. If you're wearing them to show off to your hardcore skater friends that you can pay $35 for a blue shirt that has nothing but the word Billabong on it (I've seen that before), then yes, you belong back in your Algebra 1 class.

But for me, I've come to really respect the design talent behind some skate brands. The two I like the most are Volcom and the aforementioned RVCA. Volcom, I have found, has a sense of humor in their clothes. Two years ago, I bought this bright yellow collared shirt by Volcom. There are little details in the pockets and labels that make it feel like the designers created the shirt after surfing the waves at Newport Beach and not in some stuffy corporate conference room. And as for RVCA, I love crests and coats of arms (in a prep school sort of way not in a Juicy Couture kind of way).

I always hear that Southern California is the skate/surf capital of the world. The Paris for skate brands. This leads me to wonder if skate brands ever caught on in places other than Southern California, like the Northeast or the Midwest.

all pictures are from delias.com

Out of my Element...

Today I attended the first meeting for my major – Communications. I love my school, but a huge drawback is that we don’t have a formal journalism major. Communications is the next best option.

After a year of struggling to stay afloat in the sea of indecisiveness that is the Undeclared major - for awhile I thought I would be the first person to start the department of Undeclared at my college - it was a huge relief when I finally figured out what I wanted to do in life.

That’s not to say that I don’t have any reservations about the major I’ve chosen. I keep hearing that I’ve chosen an “athlete major.” And while I think my classes will be interesting, I have a nagging feeling in the back of my head that I could be spending my time studying something more challenging. This is going to sound completely pretentious and arrogant but I’ll say it anyway. I feel like I’m too smart to be a comm major. I know its bad to think that but that’s how I feel.

The other side of the coin is that I don’t think I’m too smart for journalism. Quite the contrary actually. I feel like I have no idea what I’m getting myself into. That I’m not developed enough as a writer to make it in this crazy industry. On top of that, I have no connections.

So today I set out to get the first taste of my major. I wore these awesome Roman gladiator-inspired flip flops I got for five bucks at a consignment store. I thought to myself, “I can handle this.”

As I walked into the room and looked around at my cohorts, I realized a few things:

• 95% of them were female
• 80% of these females would be considered extremely to moderately attractive
• 75% of these females seemed like social “life-of-the-party” types

I’ll admit most of these observations are just speculative (except the first one). But I do know one thing for sure. My Roman gladiator confidence had dwindled to Roman Meal. I didn’t fit into this mélange of mascara’d and skinny-jeans clad blondes, brunettes and raven-haired Asians. I could hear the chorus of flirtatious giggles and ultra-feminine chatter. These were girls who had guys at “Hello” and looked good in slinky black cocktail dresses and, most importantly, knew how to network with a hair flip and lots of cutesy gestures.

Not only did I feel insecure about my major, I didn’t know what to think of my future. I know you need tough skin in this business. I’m ready to work hard and I know I have the motivation. But when your competition comes in the form of a size 2 blonde with legs from here to Cambodia, where does an underrepresented minority girl, with nothing but the drive of her ambition to carry her, go? The biology department?

File that under, “Oh hell no.”

A Way with Words...

As I flipped through the Style&Culture section of today's edition of the LA Times, an article about the Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary caught my eye.

Confession time: I love words. I am a linguistic nerd in all senses of the word. I took a linguistics class this past year and fell in love with it so much so that while my atmospheric science and astronomy books were promptly listed (and sold) on Amazon, I have retained my linguistics book for my personal library.

Back to the article, it was talking about how words like "snitty" (which means disagreeably agitated) and "regift" are on the list to be added to the new edition of the collegiate dictionary. I always thought the spoken frequency of a word determined eligibility for the dictionary. BUT as it turns out, the word has to be cited in print a good amount of times to even be considered.

So to find new words in print, the employees of Merriam Webster spend their days sitting at their cubicles flipping through all manners of print. Everything from fashion magazines to science and health journals. When they spot a new word, they write it down on an index card that is entered into a database later. Around this time, they go through the database to find new additions to the next edition of the dictionary.

If I don't make it in journalism, I really think that I would enjoy working for a dictionary company. I don't know what kind of degree/qualifications you have to have in order to work there but give me a quiet place to read and a stack of mags and I'm there. I can see some potential glossy burnout. But hopefully the variety of reading material will prevent that. Imagine what an informed person I would be.